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This year after so many other numerous new year resolutions of losing weight I am actually making a true leap to really get there. I have always been over weight. The last time I was any where near the weight I was supposed to be was 3rd grade. In my sophomore year of High School I weighed 232 lbs. In 2004 I weighed 287 lbs. Now I weigh 324 lbs. At my most I was 338 lbs.

I am going to use this blog as a way for me to track my ups and downs and find out what really works for me. I am not trying anyone type of diet, but rather searching through them all and pulling what I can use to stay healthy for the rest of my life. This isn't going to be a get thin in 6 month trip...the things I do have to last in the long-term or I will end up quitting and ending up right back where I started or worse off.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bad News Brings Realization

I feel blessed that in my 26 years I have only lost one person to the great beyond because I know that some people experience it a lot more frequently.

A little back story...My grandmother was the glue that held everything together. I battled severe depression, anxiety, self injury, and many hours, days, and months where I thought about taking my own life this was from a young age. I was so tired. In all aspects of my life that not waking up sometimes felt like a better options. Thankfully I got a lot of couch time with my psychologist and psychiatrist and was able to function better after a while. I didn't truly get a good grip on life until 2005 when the sun in my solar system wasn't there anymore. My grandmother was in all aspect my mother, friend, mentor, and constant cheerleader. She made me wanna live and when her life ended it made me want to live even more because how could I contemplate taking my own life or laying by the way side when she had believed so much in me and spent so much time, energy, and love on showing my the right way and pushing me along. This is not to say that I don't struggle mentally and emotionally, but she continues to me a large part of every breath I take.

Unfortunately my family was in for another shock when my auntie was diagnosed with stage four cancer and told that it was likely terminal on July 24, 2011. She is 49 years old! She and my uncle adopted two young children who are both under the age of 7. To say that you just don't see something like this coming is an understatement.

At this point it is in her intestines, pancreas, appendix (ruptured) and her lung. She has been sick, but they never checked for cancer as a cause. They found the lump when they went in to remove her appendix.

As I sat talking to my family in Honolulu, Hawaii from Oklahoma I knew that I needed to be home, so I am cutting my trip short and going home. My cousin, sister, and I all talked and expressed our concerns for her, but it also brought about a realization that made us look within. I am angry at how cavalier I have been about the state of my health. Always another tomorrow to get healthy, next month is that month when I am gonna get things done. My past is the past and I know I can't change it. I continue to be thankful to be on my way to getting healthy and making great strides, but it still makes me that time I should have been doing it.

My auntie is a fighter and she isn't throwing in the towel or hanging her head. She isn't giving up because she has so much to live for. She told my other aunt that she is gonna give this fight all she has because isn't ready to die.

I find myself wanting to make sure that I am fighting. Wanting to fight for my own health even harder, and not just my health I want to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Point blank...I wanna live my life boldly and bravely. Making choice for myself that make me happy and push me forward.

I know that even when I struggle to make it through the day, that when I have my period and my emotions get wonky that I am gonna stick this out. It isn't just losing is about living life and making the choices that allow me to live a long, happy, healthy and prosperous life. I hope everyone out there whether this is your first time, your twentieth attempt, whether you need to lose 5 lbs or 400lbs...stop putting things off to tomorrow because as logical it is we sometimes forget that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. The next minute isn't guaranteed. Live your life to the best of your abilities, push hard to get where you want to be, love everyone in your life, and make sure they know it. Take nothing for granted.

I will be thinking nothing, but positive thoughts for my auntie, if you have the chance your positive thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

I hope everyone has a blessed rest of the week.

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